Mattot begins with two parshiyot that share virtually nothing in common, except for their misogyny. Both of these sections seem to call out for the most resistant reading. However, I think that if we take these two segments together it is possible to weave our way around the patriarchy and find a path to a meaningful sexual ethic.
The first parsha is about vows. Here, the Chumash gives rules delineating when a woman is responsible for her own vows, and when are her words considered meaningless, and subject to the whim of her caretaker. At what point does she become a full agent and therefore fully culpable? While the text of the Chumash implies that women are almost never responsible, that they are transferred from their fathers’ care to that of their husbands, the Rabbinic reading is considerably different. According to the Rabbis, the father is only able to nullify the vow of the pubescent girl. The Rabbinic tradition ascribes complete agency and responsibility to women when they reach sexual maturity.
In contrast stands the discussion of the war spoils. Following tradition, the returning army had killed the men of Midian, who were seen as being responsible, but had kept alive and captured all of those deemed innocent; the women, children, and chattel. However, Moses admonishes the military for sparing these women, since he holds them responsible for the perceived moral attack at the end of Parshat Balak. The traditional system for assigning responsibility in the war is abandoned, and a novel selection system is applied. Every woman, regardless of how old, who had sex with a man, is killed, while the others maintain their innocence.
From these two discussions, there arise two different standards for assigning responsibility. One is based on sexual maturity and one is based on sexual activity. The Torah sets up this opposition between Sexuality and Sex. In this section, Sex is very narrowly defined as intercourse between a man and a woman. This physical act is what is seen as creating responsibility, as creating a person. Consent and relationship are not important in this act of Sex. In fact, the Chumash explicitly tells us that many of the women that were killed were only children.
On the other hand, Sexuality is the measure of responsibility for the Israelite community. Here, the actual sexual history of the subject has no bearing. What matters is whether or not the woman has achieved a level of maturity that allows her Sexuality. This Sexuality marks the ability to relate to another person, to love that person, and it is expressed in the ability to have a meaningful sexual relationship.
This parsha tells us that only when a person has achieved Sexuality is his or her vow meaningful. Vows, nedarim, almost always appear in Tanach in the context of an if-then statement. A person calls out to God and says, “God, if you will do X, then I will do Y.” Vows are a tool that God gives us to create a personal covenant with God. By conditioning their validity on the Sexuality of the penitent, the Chumash makes it clear that it is not the actions listed in the vow, the sacrifice, prayer, or whatever else Y could be, that is important, but rather it is the relationship that the vow can create that is significant.
The Chumash by juxtaposing these two stories places before us two different alternatives. The choice of an ethic of Sex, where all that is significant is a specific act, with no reference to context or care. This option is troubling because first, it limits sex specifically to intercourse between a man and a woman, and secondly because it opens up endless possibilities for abuse. In such an ethic, where only the act is important, myriads of imbalanced and coercive relationships become legitimate, since the act remains the same in all of them. This ethic is assigned to judging the Midianites, who were already charged with carrying out a spiritual attack on the Children of Israel.
Reserved for the Israelites is a different measuring stick. This method of judging Sexuality places the focus of humanity not on any specific act, but on the ability to create and maintain meaningful relationships. Here, the actual sexual acts a person engages in, or refrains from, tells us nothing of their character, but lets judgement fall on the quality of his or her relationships. Not only can such an ethic of Sexuality affect the way we see ourselves and each other, but this parsha goes further and places it is as the basis for developing a true relationship with God.